Euro 2004 created memories that will live with me forever ? sadly | David James
Some football matches stay with you long after the final whistle and England's defeats by France and Portugal still haunt me
Football matches, they're like tattoos: they stay with you forever. England v France at Euro 2004 certainly will. All these years it feels like I've been carrying the cross for that defeat and it still hurts.
It was my first ever tournament game ? and at the age of 32 there were times when I honestly did wonder whether it was ever going to happen for me. The feeling running out into the Est�dio da Luz, to be greeted by thousands of England fans, was incredible. It felt like, "Wow this is our stadium!" We had crossed the Channel and the continent ? their fans had only travelled down the road ? but it felt more like a home game for us.
So there we were, 1-0 up at 89 minutes played against the champions of Europe, the 1998 World Cup winners, victory within touching distance. We were buzzing. But three minutes of madness changed everything. Zinedine Zidane scored twice and we went from being world-beaters to just another defeat in the stat books. It was tough to take.
I've never been able to watch the match since, and the memories are blurry now. Just fragments of the game remain: me pacing up and down the goalline while Zidane was sick next to the penalty spot; Frank Lampard's goal that put us ahead in the first half; catching a cross and throwing the ball out to Ashley Cole. I almost forgot that David Beckham missed a penalty at 73 minutes, and then there was that terrible back-pass from Steven Gerrard that resulted in the penalty. I remember looking at him thinking, "Don't even attempt what I think you're about to attempt", but unfortunately he did.
The mood had already started to change after Becks missed his penalty. That left 17 minutes to defend a 1-0 lead ? that's almost 20% of the match ? and to me it felt like forever. After Zidane scored from the free-kick, England lost it completely.
Rather than licking our wounds and defending a 1-1 draw, we panicked. The momentum shifted ? we had been about to slay Medusa and suddenly we were lost at sea.
Afterwards my head was pounding with "what ifs". We were devastated. I still am. In the post-match press conference I said we hadn't been shown any footage of Zidane taking free-kicks or penalties. I don't think the FA thanked me for saying that, but it was the truth. It wasn't a premeditated comment, I just responded honestly to the question. In some ways it took the focus off the result ? if the media hadn't had that to go on they would have found something else to pick at.
Despite how much it hurt, we dealt with the defeat pretty well I think, going on to beat Switzerland and Croatia. It's always a debate ? if you have to lose a game, is it better to lose the first game or the last game in the group stages of a tournament? In 2004 we were able to clear our heads after France and move on.
In the quarter-finals we faced Portugal, and typically for England it went to penalties. I'll never forget waiting around for the shoot?out.
Gary Neville, who is a very passionate and opinionated man with whom I've had many a debate, followed me around for what seemed like 10 minutes shouting, "Jamo! You're going to save the penalties!" It drove me mad. I really just wanted to tell him to eff off, but there were TV cameras there.
Darius Vassell was walking around nearby, he looked like he was in his own world, but I managed to get his attention to say, "Is he for real?" about Gary. Afterwards I spent a long time wondering if I had got Darius out of the zone, if it had been all my fault that he missed his penalty. These are some of the painful thoughts that haunt you, in some cases for many years afterwards.
It wasn't until I got home that I really appreciated how much the tournament had meant to England, the nation. Driving down little country lanes and seeing so many England flags ? in the middle of nowhere ? that was when it really hit me. I thought "my god this really is a national event". That might sound a silly thing to say, but when you are involved in a tournament you are so removed from what it means to everyone else back home. That was an eye opener, and it is something I am looking forward to experiencing first-hand this time around: Euro 2012, my first competition as an England fan. Bring it on.
David James has donated his fee for this column to charity
Source: http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/blog/2012/jun/09/euro-2004-england-france-portugal
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